Wistful Thinking?

Like I have said before, there's this good guy friend of mine, who I once had a thing with, who I still have feelings for, even though we have both moved on. He's a poet, he's an artist, and sometimes he shows me his poems. And they make me wonder, especially the ones that are a bit older. Are they about me? Or am I just thinking wishfully? Does this happen to other people? That their subconscious is just telling them to think about something other than the way that it is supposed to be.

So give me Novocaine...

Today, I got my mouth numbed the first time for a chipped tooth. Somehow, I believe that the Novocaine hurt me more, than the actually filling did. But all in all, it was a rather painless situation.

I wish everything else in life had some sort of a numbing shot for it. I have a friend, and that friend's family is having monetary issues, and they might have to move away. I would hate that and so would their family. It really makes me question why some things happen to certain people in this world. How come I'm for the most part worry-free, and this summer, I can focus on doing absolutely nothing, while other people have the whole world crashing down on their shoulder? It almost makes me feel like the world's most selfish person, that I just have to worry about is how good in a swimsuit I'd look, or what to have for lunch. It just makes me absolutely despise myself. Sometimes I wish, I could give certain people everything. I wish that sometimes I could just switch positions with them, and that I could take the pain, not them. I would give them myself, as Novocaine...

I'm not really a good selfish person all of the time. I'm usually selfish and I don't do much for others, but, for those people that I actually care about, I think I would give up anything.

First is the Worst...

I'm not really sure what I'm doing this. There's so many people out there in this world on the internet, no one will really notice what I'm writing or saying; maybe that's why I chose this format. It's a good way to rant. What's the best way to keep a secret, then to let it all out to millions and billions of people. Hello future audiences however few there are of you, you'll never find me, because I'll be hiding here, behind this veil of glaring computer lighting...

What is there to say? I guess you all deserve an introduction. My name is Jes, no it's not my full name, but it's close enough. Not many people call me that actually, just a few people who won't really mind me punching them in the nose for this ridiculous nickname, so yes, as you've probably guessed, my name is Jessie. I'm sixteen, but I don't quite have the arrogant, I-can-conquer-all-attitude yet. That'll probably come when I finally get my license. I'm an only child. Some people say I'm lucky, but, they've never played Go Fish by themselves. I have a boyfriend and three best friends. I guess I'm just pretty average on the outside.

What else is there to say? That I can't stand my mother for being such a bossy, nosy person? For always making me study all night even though I'm just not as smart as she was? That I still am somewhat in love with my best guy friend, even though I blew up that chance of a relationship a year ago? That my "best friends" are some of the most distant people I know?

But that's all just teenage drama that I'm sure no body really needs to know or even care about.

I'm an incoming junior this year, in a very small town high school. We have only one high school, and there's about 1,500 students total. I tell everyone I know what to do with myself after high school, but truth to be told, I have no idea myself. My boyfriend wants us to get married right after graduation, I'm not so sure. In our relationship, he's the hopeless romantic, and I'm the one with commitment issues, not the other way around. Then I'm supposed to go into law, and make some big bucks and make a name out of myself... It doesn't sound too bad, but... who in the world really wants to go through all of that work?

I have a bunch of problems. Nothing too out of the ordinary, but enough to make it a hassle in my life. I have probably what they thinks is a herniated disk in my spine, but there's nothing I can do until I'm an adult, surgery, though it worked for my dad, could easily kill me. I have miserable allergies, but, what child from a middle class family in America doesn't? Sometimes, when I'm really depressed, I think about suicide, but.. nothing to really worry about. I think I value my own life enough not to do something stupid like that. But I am curious however, aren't we all? to how I am supposed to die. In in ways, I guess, I'd prefer to do it by my own hand.

But my "religion" won't permit it. I am a non-secular Protestant Christian. I go to a stupidly exclusive church, which I absolutely hate. I don't hate God, just some people who claim to love him. It's easy for me to start ranting about religion, Christianity, and my church, but I think I shall be good and act on one of the fruit of the Spirit-Self Control.

I really don't think there's much to know about me after this point. For the most part, I'm just your typical angst-y teenager. Sometimes I feel older, other times younger. I really don't know myself at all. Maybe this will help, maybe it won't. Read this if you give a damn, but if you don't, just stay the hell out of my way. The internet is a big world wide web, find someone else to bother.